The Real Lola

when i share a poem it is me baring something that i normally keep bottled up. it is my vulnerability.

i did not write poems my whole life.
i did not receive accolades for creativity when i was growing.
i did not put pen to paper, or fingers to keystrokes as a teen or even as a young adult.


for me, writing is new. it is young. it is a cherubic faced baby suckling on my tit looking for nourishment and love.


when i can sit in the quiet of my apartment without chores, guilt, worry, or obligations, and...

when that time comes and also i am blessed with the innermost woman speaking from the depths of my heart

she longs to be heard.
she longs to be understood and known.
she tires of her quiet solitude in my heart.


and when she is greeted with silence

the silences is interpreted as rejection.

She is too deep.
She is too needy.
She is too, too, too... you name it.

Just too much.

So she fears she will be buried again,
rejected
laughed at
rolled eyes
dismissed
hated

.

Tragedy/Comedy

I have come far.  I have come home.

I have made my own home.  Like an orphan longing for a family, I have created my fantasy.  I have created my dreams and I have wrestled my nightmares.  I was never supposed to live this life of loneliness and longing and unbelonging.

I feel like I am known by many, but truly known by none.

Truly.  Deeply.

Known.

Do I even know myself?  Yes.

Do I love me?  Maybe.

Enough?  I hope so.

How can a man love me, if he lives too far away to really know me?  How do I rest in confidence and assurance of love?

Words fade.  Fear creeps in.

Faith must follow stronger!  Faith must run faster!  Faith must fight harder!

I am worth it, and I know me!!!

Someone only God knows

My past is like water.


I was drenched.  Soaked.  Caught in a torrent.


Naked and shivering 


I clung to my dignity like a hooded raincoat.




My heart clung.




My heart changed.




I walked miles.




Like evolutionary man, like God's creation


a child of Mercy


I bathed myself in forgiveness


I stood upright; I threw off my fear




I stand strong.


I sit in love.


I rest anew.

Richard. Life. Love. Future.

As the sun goes down this evening, I embrace my hope.

The woman who I am at night, dreams new dreams.

My thoughts glow.

My red lips smile.

The drums of my love beat a slow and growing rhythm.

In the heart of my night

the day's troubles sink, they are left far behind.

I am a tango.

The flower in my hair is fragrant.

I dip and know I will be embraced.