I realize that I am not pious. I have so many sins to be forgiven. Daily I fail, and daily I love.
I have such gratitude to the gifts that God has given me, and I know that I also take my blessings for granted.
I am greedy. The Lord has blessed me with a beautiful apartment and a wonderful vehicle that meets all my needs. I have been blessed with an amazing child who is not only my son, but also my friend.
But my heart longs. It longs to better know my God. It longs for an earthly man, a leader. My heart longs for a husband to take my hand and lead me.
It is a charade that I am a strong and independent woman. I am strong and independent because I have to be, because I want to be the best woman that God will look down upon and feel proud. But I am not strong and independent because that is my choice. I am strong and independent because I know that it would be sinning about the Lord if I allowed a man who is not His man for me, to reside in my home and my heart.
And so what the world looks at as strength, I view as humility. I know that my soul longs for my Creator. I know that my heart longs for an earthly husband. I know that my child longs for his mother to hold Love, and that my child longs for the things his mother desires.
Oh dear, Lord. Please bring peace into my heart. Please bring contentment to my soul. Please let me rest in your love while I wait for you to bring to me the man who you have chosen. Lord, let me be ready to love him the way he needs to be loved, let me be ready to serve him in the ways he needs support. Lord, let me do this so that I stop sinning with my lustful and longing heart. Lord, let me do this so that through serving my husband, I too am serving you.
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