We Love

I knew I was in love.  


How did I know?  


When he started doing annoying things, and I noticed but didn't care.  When he thought he looked good, but was really a fashion disaster, and I was still happy to go out and do things with him (not try to get him to change his outfit).  When he walked in the door to my apartment and it just felt like he belonged there.  


I knew I was in love, when I looked at him and thought to myself, "I love this man".


I knew I was in love, when I could acknowledge that I didn't know if he loved me or not, and I could accept the relationship as it is because I wouldn't want anything to change.  Because I love him, and I love us!


I knew I loved him because I so desperately wanted him to love me in return, and yet I didn't say a word.  I didn't hint, ask, or fish.


I knew I loved him when it was comforting to think of the words in Song of Solomon that said, "Do not awaken love until love so desires".  Knowing that love had awakened in me, but ignorant to the depth of his feelings.


I love him.


I love him without fear of getting hurt.


I love him and I want nothing about him to change.


I love him just as he is.


It has been more than a month since I discovered within myself that I love him.


And on Saturday, as we were standing at the end of Pier 39 in San Francisco, we had just taken a photo in front of the water, he looked down at me and said those beautiful, and magical words, "I love you".


I love.


I am loved.

My lover

I realize that I am not pious.  I have so many sins to be forgiven.  Daily I fail, and daily I love.

I have such gratitude to the gifts that God has given me, and I know that I also take my blessings for granted.

I am greedy.  The Lord has blessed me with a beautiful apartment and a wonderful vehicle that meets all my needs.  I have been blessed with an amazing child who is not only my son, but also my friend.

But my heart longs.  It longs to better know my God.  It longs for an earthly man, a leader.  My heart longs for a husband to take my hand and lead me.

It is a charade that I am a strong and independent woman.  I am strong and independent because I have to be, because I want to be the best woman that God will look down upon and feel proud.  But I am not strong and independent because that is my choice.  I am strong and independent because I know that it would be sinning about the Lord if I allowed a man who is not His man for me, to reside in my home and my heart.

And so what the world looks at as strength, I view as humility.  I know that my soul longs for my Creator.  I know that my heart longs for an earthly husband.  I know that my child longs for his mother to hold Love, and that my child longs for the things his mother desires.

Oh dear, Lord.  Please bring peace into my heart.  Please bring contentment to my soul.  Please let me rest in your love while I wait for you to bring to me the man who you have chosen.  Lord, let me be ready to love him the way he needs to be loved, let me be ready to serve him in the ways he needs support.  Lord, let me do this so that I stop sinning with my lustful and longing heart.  Lord, let me do this so that through serving my husband, I too am serving you.

Blogging Under the Influence

Who said that just because this blog was en lieu of girlfriend-time and wine didn't mean it couldn't compliment girlfriend-time and wine?

Ok, so I originally wrote a blog lamenting my first argument with my new fella.  We went three months without conflict, and it's the weekend before my birthday and BAM.  I blogged long, and I blogged witty.

Then Marj & LLuvia took me to my favorite wine bar for... guess.... WINE.

Now that my head is pounding and I'm both a little "soberer" and have LLuvia's sage words in mind, I have deleted my vent.  Of course the guy is wrong, I am woman and I am always right (right?).

Anyway, I'm getting better and better at sucking up my pride and admitting when I'm wrong.  However, this guy hasn't learned what true heartbreak is (thanx AV) and hasn't learned the lesson I've learned about learning to "agree to disagree".

I so fear that I'm someone's "practice girlfriend" ... again.

I'm so scared.

...and then I'm scared that my fear will screw everything up....

it's such a viscous cycle.

And he's confiding in his female room mate who has a plethora of "fu-ck buddies" for his relationship advise.  At what point do I make him accountable for his games and how much credit do I give him for his ignorance and bad dating advice from his roomy?

I really like him.  But I can't be played a fool again.  It's happened way too many times and I don't want to be the prep girlfriend forever.  I want to be someone's "the one" or I want to be alone and living my life without concern or consideration for a lover.

J

Aloha

Some blogs are intended to educate the reader.  Some blogs have the intention to elucidate to the world the writer's prowess over written word.  Some blogs are written in longing that someone will read them.


This is not that sort of blog.


I do social work.  At the end of the day I have spent my day driving from person's home to person's home helping them set goals and problem solve.  I have walked parents through tantruming two-year-olds, and I have mediated a few adult tantrums as well.  


I am tired of conversing.  I don't want to get on the phone, meet a girlfriend for dinner, or instant message.  But I'm still a human, and I'm still a woman, and being both of those I still need an outlet.  


This blog is for those conversations over a glass of wine that I feel like having, but without the time and attention that girlfriend-time requires.  I adore my girlfriends, but sometimes I just want to talk and not listen.  


I figure a blog is a good place for that.